How Gay Men Explore Their Sexual Role: Moving Beyond “Top vs Bottom”
Two men cuddle in bed, lying on their sides nose to nose, each placing a hand on the other’s neck and chin.
Like most queer men, my clients in Stamford, CT, were never taught how to explore their sexuality. Instead, what they were taught was often a mix of silence, vague warnings about risk, or bits of information they had to piece together on their own. By the time many men begin exploring their sexual role—whether as a top, bottom, or side—they are doing so without a clear understanding of their own bodies, desires, or boundaries.
This isn’t a personal shortcoming. It reflects a broader gap in how we’ve been taught to talk about sex.
The Gap Between What You Were Told and What You Needed
In my research on parent-child sex communication with sexual minority men, one theme stood out clearly: the messages young men receive about sex tend to focus on avoiding harm, while the messages they wish they had received center on connection, communication, and affirmation.
Many people grew up hearing some version of “be careful” or “use protection.” While those messages matter, they rarely address the relational and emotional aspects of sex. They don’t teach someone how to understand their own pleasure, how to navigate attraction, or how to communicate with a partner in a way that feels grounded and confident.
For many men, early solo sex experience is narrowly focused on orgasm. Masturbation often becomes repetitive, relying on the same technique and rhythm over time. When partnered sex enters the picture, it can feel disorienting. The body is used to one kind of stimulation, while partnered experiences require flexibility, communication, and responsiveness.
It’s similar to practicing one skill for years and then being expected to perform in a completely different context. Think theater kid suddenly expected to be the quarterback of the football team. The anxiety that can arise in these moments is not a sign of dysfunction—it’s a sign that something important was never taught.
So when it comes time to explore sexual roles, it makes sense that many men feel uncertain. The question isn’t just “What do I like?” but “How am I supposed to figure that out?”
Sexual Roles Are Learned, Not Fixed
There’s a common belief that people are naturally tops or bottoms, as if these roles are innate traits waiting to be discovered. In reality, they are shaped over time through experience.
A person’s sexual role can be influenced by physical comfort, early encounters, emotional safety, relationship dynamics, and even internalized ideas about masculinity or desirability. For some, a role emerges quickly. For others, it evolves or shifts over time.
From a clinical perspective, it’s more useful to understand sexual roles not as identities you must define early, but as experiences you come to understand through exploration. Sexuality is not just behavior—it’s tied to identity, emotion, and the meaning we make of our experiences.
Starting with Yourself
One of the most effective ways to begin exploring your sexual role is through solo experience. This creates space to pay attention to your own body without the added layer of anxiety or concern about a partner’s expectations.
When you shift your focus from simply reaching orgasm to actually noticing sensation, rhythm, and arousal patterns, something important begins to change. You start to build a relationship with your own body. That awareness becomes the foundation for everything that follows—especially communication.
As that awareness grows, it becomes easier to expand beyond familiar patterns. Allowing yourself to vary pressure, pacing, and stimulation can help your body adapt to a wider range of sensations like those experienced in partnered sex. As I spoked about with Men’s Health, the same is true mentally. If arousal becomes tied exclusively to porn, it can be harder to stay present with a partner. Bringing in imagination, memory, and fantasy helps create a more flexible and integrated experience of desire.
Learning to Bottom
For those interested in bottoming, discomfort is often misunderstood as incompatibility. Don’t make the common mistake of giving up after one painful experience — discomfort most often stems from lack of preparation. Approaching bottoming gradually allows the body to adapt in a way that feels safe and manageable. My colleagues at Maze Men’s Health have a great guide for physically preparing to bottom. Over time, a gradual approach to dilation can shift the experience from something tense or uncomfortable to something more relaxed and even pleasurable. Just as important as the physical process is the psychological one—developing a sense of control, pacing, and trust in your own body.
Learning to Top
Topping is often framed in terms of performance, but this framing tends to create unnecessary pressure. A more useful perspective is to think in terms of responsiveness.
Good partnered sex is not about doing something “right.” It’s about paying attention. The receptive partner is often setting the pace, whether explicitly or through subtle cues. Slowing down, staying attuned, and allowing the experience to unfold creates a very different dynamic than trying to perform or achieve a specific outcome.
This shift—from performance to attunement—is where many people begin to feel more confident and connected.
Moving Beyond Labels
Over time, many people find that a preferred roll begins to emerge. For some, that preference feels consistent. For others, it remains fluid depending on the partner, context, or stage of life.
Many men may also identify as a side. As coined by Joe Kort, a side is a gay man who does not engage in anal intercourse because he it is not a turn on for him. He may engage in a variety of other sexual behaviors with his partners. What others may call “foreplay,” is the main event for a side.
The goal isn’t to arrive at a fixed label as quickly as possible, if ever. It’s to develop enough awareness, comfort, and communication skill to engage in experiences that feel aligned with you.
A Different Kind of Conversation
Most queer men were not given the opportunity to have nuanced, affirming conversations about sex growing up. That absence doesn’t just disappear—it often follows people into adulthood, shaping how they experience intimacy, desire, and connection.
I work with queer men every day to fill in that gap. Not just with information, but with a different kind of conversation—one that includes the emotional, relational, and experiential aspects of sexuality alongside physical safety.
Exploring your sexual role isn’t about getting it right. It’s about learning how to understand yourself more fully, and how to bring that understanding into connection with others.
Sex Therapy for Gay Men in Stamford, Connecticut
If you’re a gay man in Stamford, looking to explore your sexual role, build confidence, or improve communication in your relationships, this work is my speciality.
My practice focuses on helping queer men move beyond risk-based messaging and develop a more integrated understanding of sexuality—one that includes sexual function, identity, emotional experience, and connection.
I offer in-person sessions in Stamford and virtual therapy for clients across Connecticut, New York, and Florida.
Learn more or schedule a free consultation today!
