Never Stop Coming Out

Photo 20561590 © Margaret Ohare | Dreamstime.com

Does this sweater make me look gay?

“Come out all day, every day, everywhere” is a nice thing to put on a sign at a rally, but it’s often not possible. A teenager shouldn’t come out to her parents as bisexual if she knows it will be met with physical violence and getting kicked out of the only home she’s ever known. A middle-aged person shouldn’t come out as transgender at work if they will get fired and lose a vital source of income. But that teen does need support to start planning for her independence, and that adult needs strength to start looking for another job. Even when these two people have long worked through these problems, the ghosts of the closet are still likely to show up throughout their lives. I know they do for me. 

I dreamed the other night that I was my present age and visiting a college student in a dorm room. I was wearing khaki pants, a t-shirt, and holding a gray v neck sweater. Standard office uniform for me. After standing around chatting in her room for a bit, it was time to leave. I put on the sweater to face the cold. As we passed a bathroom on the way out, a few college guys came out. The most muscled of the bunch elbowed his friends as he looked at me. Laughing, he said, “We don’t need v necks around here, am I right guys?”  He continued a bit, but I was not paying attention to what he said, as I was focused on the visceral response in my body and planning my next move. I was twenty years older and five inches taller than him, but for an instant, I felt about six years old and six inches tall. I leaned in and looked down at his face. I found my voice, re-inhabited my body, said something glorious, and walked away head held high with my friend by my side. 

Here I am a gay man in my early forties, out of the closet for twenty years, in a relationship that’s closing in on two decades, running a pretty queer therapy practice, and this dream pops up from my subconscious. I don’t do much dream work, but I don’t think this dream requires much beyond a superficial analysis. I felt vulnerable for whatever reason going to bed that night, which activated a younger closeted me that said, “Don’t forget to be afraid.” I would have been terrified if I were his college-aged peer. But  under my adult circumstances, thankfully, I was confident and able to push the fear aside instead. 

I often talk with clients about coming out as a lifelong process, especially with younger clients or those who are sorting out their sexual and gender identities for the first time at any age. Like me, they seldom burst out of the closet. When some do burst out, I marvel at the confidence and supportive environment that allow them to spring forth. More commonly, most queer people spend time in the darkness of the closet sorting out their identity, long before they start telling others their truth. When one is ready, which may be at age twelve or age sixty, they figure out who to tell first and start the lifelong process of moving through fear and toward authenticity. 

In college, I was often thinking things like, “Does this sweater make me look gay? And do I care if it does?” Thankfully, those particular thoughts don’t happen anymore, but their ghosts show up unexpectedly from time to time. Like in a dream. Like in a new social setting where I don’t know the values of the other people and am asked, “What does your wife do?”  or even “What do you do for a living?” Do I say “Actually, my husband…”? Do I say simply say I am a therapist, or do I reveal more by saying sex therapist, and/or therapist for primarily LGBTQ+ people? Even if I am confidently wearing a v neck sweater (which isn’t particularly gay), a wedding ring (though it doesn’t reveal the gender of my partner), I pause and have that thought every time. Today, the pause is less than a second, and I speak my adult truth without letting my anxious adolescent self take over. But it took years to get here and there’s still more ground to cover.

Maybe you are waiting to find the right moment and person to begin a coming out process of your own. You could be in the closet regarding your sexual orientation or gender identity, but it could also be about credit card debt, dissatisfaction in your work or relationship, or any number of lonely secrets you may be protecting. Maybe you came out decades ago and stand in your full vulnerable truth every day. Whatever the case may be, never stop coming out in settings that allow you to safely do so. 

Anyone can come out in someway, even the terrified queer kids and adults, if it is only to themself before safety permits disclosure to that first trusted friend or family member. Because coming out is lifelong, get ready for a marathon and not a sprint. In a just world, either no one would have to come out or everyone would have to come out. In the world we live in now, finding the insight, strength, and courage to come out remains  a queer superpower.

Wear the sweater. One day, you’ll make it pink and even add some glitter. I’m grateful for the spaces in my adult life that allow me to sparkle and continue to seek out more of those places and people all the time. Your sparkly sweater awaits. 

Check out The Guide to Coming Out Handbook for teens and young people from the Trevor Project.   The Human Rights Campaign also offers some useful coming out resources for queer people at different life stages.